2018 (Unsafe Sex)

[Originally sent to Andy Deane on Jan. 17, 2019 as well as posted in a comment on Gopal’s public Facebook post. Posted here by the author.]

1. K.C.1
2. A.L.
3. O.D.
4. N.A.
5. S.S.1
6. S.S.2
7. A.P.
8. K.L.
9. L.P.
10. K.C. 2
11. S.S.3
12. K.W.
13. A.W.
14. A.F.

Here are the initials of the women affected not including myself that I’ve spoken to thus far. And although there are so many more, I only included those who spoke up about their time with you publicly or to me directly. Stories ranging from 20 years ago to present day, from ages 16-30’s, all over the U.S. and internationally.

The things they’ve told me, the things you’ve done to them, were monstrous.

Andy, you were not only selfish and careless with people’s hearts and feelings, you were reckless with their sexual health status, finances, and mental stability. Lying, emotionally abusing them, ghosting, borrowing thousands of dollars from them, controlling them, cheating, so much more…

I told you countless times, all I wanted was honesty. The whole picture.

I’ve finally gotten that from them. And to hear my fucked up story from my time with you come out of their mouths as their own was sickening and heartbreaking.

The reason I say this here, is because I was frozen after Andy’s Army starting reporting people’s posts and stories, silencing them, and getting people blocked so they couldn’t speak. And the things they said about me personally were absolutely horrendous lies.

But reading your statement I wanted to to write you. Because you haven’t made a single attempt to contact me. And we both know why. All the time spent, texts, and conversations we had about the these very things, months and months before this came out publicly, me asking then telling you to do something because you were hurting women I cared about, friends we shared, and you were killing me. When Gopal and I asked you to get tested and offered to help you get actual help before you went on tour, all added up to this not being news to you.

There was a time when I believed in “He doesn’t know what he’s doing” and “That’s Andy”. But throughout our time together I never, ever hesitated on telling you when I saw you hurt someone or screw someone over, and you continued to. Addiction Deane, straight up. You are an addict and look at what you’ve lost in the wake.

I had hoped that after I told Gopal about us back in October that I could stay your friend. He had given us both a lot of compassion and kindness after the initial wave of freakout and “What the fuck!” that hit him. But after you admitted to lying about protecting my health, and after one of your women contacted me telling me how much they had admired my art and I broke down, told her everything you had been lying to her about (after I begged you to do it yourself for weeks before), I started to see that fade.

And after talking to the above mentioned women I just don’t see that happening.

Do you know how I felt at that clinic? Having to be tested because the person I had trusted the most disregarded me so much he couldn’t tell me he was sleeping with multiple partners unprotected and had been for some time? Lied to me like that? Threw me away? I cried on your shoulders after my marriage fell apart… I confided in you long before then as a friend.

I gave you honesty. I listened, checked in on you, held you, helped you with both Bella and Rain whenever you needed it. From running merch, to listening to new tracks, giving you ibuprofen when you hurt yourself on stage, rubbing your feet during radio interviews or your back when it was out, discussing career move tactics. Hell helping shoot that album cover that is literally your profile picture this very second! I promoted you, was there for your tears and laughs. God what a kick to the teeth.

But to then hear you went on tour and slept with someone (at least one person I spoke to directly) unprotected while still having not been tested, that was infuriating. How dare you disrespect her like that.

I hope to forgive you, for my own peace of mind. Maybe once I stop getting emails from women needing someone to talk to about the abuse they suffered at your hands and once you’ve actually changed those behaviors.

But I, like many of them, gave you my all. I tried so goddamn hard to help you, see you flourish, bring some joy into your life. I certainly had my own failings I’ll be the first to admit that, but I promised to sit with you in the darkness, hold your hand and not abandon you. I forgave you over and over, lie after lie. And you destroyed me over, and over, and over, until I hobbled away from you for the last time to save my own life.

I’m glad, but incredibly skeptical to hear you’re getting treatment. I wish my pain, and the endless pain of the people you affected trying to fill the void would’ve been enough. But I hope that while you’re getting treatment, you also think about how to take responsibility for the magnitude of your damage, and the scars and trauma you’ve left on those women and me.

The friends and support they lost from people defending you who wrote the women off as “Crazy” “Obsessed” “Playing Victim” and “Liars” is everyone too many.

If you’re going to admit and atone for your sins then do it for all of the pain you caused, not just some.

“I talked to her.” “She and I are fine.” “She knows we aren’t going to be anything.” “I care the world for you.” “I love you a lot.” “Rest Well.” “Hugs”. ”