1997 (Cheating)

On Dec. 20, 2018, I shared Gopal’s original post on Facebook, with the following statement:

Time to add my voice. For those who don’t know, I’m a darkwave DJ and concert promoter who has made Andy Deane’s music a central part of my brand for two decades. I have booked or promoted him in concert 10 times in two different states between 1998 and 2017, from Bella Morte’s earliest out-of-state shows to a concert by The Rain Within last year. His songs have been among my most frequently played, and anyone who knows me has likely heard how highly I have praised his most recent work.

So it was with great difficulty that I came to the decision to stop supporting him. I wasn’t sure I would feel that way, even as I started discussing all this with Gopal a month ago. After all, art is art, and personal lives are personal, right? But then the details began to pile up. So many stories. So many specific, cruel details (many omitted here) that could not be ignored. And some familiar details that have helped me begin to recognize the ways in which Andy has manipulated me, too.

What it ultimately comes down to is this: I no longer feel good when I think about Andy’s music. I no longer relate to wistful songs about lost love now that I know they were written by someone who has willfully thrown love away with both hands and stomped on it with both feet at every turn.

So there it is. No more Patreon support. No more DJ spins. No more concert bookings. I don’t fault others if they continue to support him and just blow this off as personal drama. But I’ve come to the conclusion that I cannot.

*****

It is now Feb. 12, 2019. In the nearly two months since Gopal made his original post, I’ve had several personal conversations with other women who have been affected by Andy’s actions. I would now like to share a little of my own story.

Andy cheated on his live-in girlfriend with me in 1997. He was not upfront with me about the nature of their relationship.

On the first night Andy and I spent together, we were both 23. It was December and it was raining. We stayed up most of the night, until Gopal came to collect him in the morning to drive him back to Virginia. That evening, Andy emailed me the lyrics to “Relics” and said that he’d written them on the way home.

While Andy had mentioned that he had a girlfriend, he claimed they were “in the process of breaking up,” and he did not mention that they were living together. I only found out by making a surprise trip to Virginia for a show. He still said that their relationship was ending.

On the second night I spent with Andy, about two months later, he told me he loved me. I was not able to say that I returned the feeling. We parted as friends, but I continued to feel an emotional bond to him and his music, and went on to give support to him in my roles as a concert promoter and DJ.

A month ago, after the extent of Andy’s behavior started to become known, I saw a comment from Andy’s 1997 girlfriend and I messaged her to apologize for not being more aware and for contributing to her hurt. She responded that she didn’t know who I was, because in the three years she’d spent with Andy, he’d cheated on her many, many times with many different people.

I have three main thoughts right now:
1) How could he treat his partner like that?
2) OK, so I wasn’t even a little bit special.
3) How many women have I helped give him access to hurt by supporting his career?

I am wishing I could retroactively take back my support. And I am thinking twice about supporting those who still support him. Who say it was the women’s choice. Who blame them for trusting him instead of blaming him for being deceptive.