1991-1997 (Cheating/Using)

[Sent anonymously to Gopal for him to post in Dec. 2018.]

I was very much hoping to stay silently supportive of Gopal and all of my other friends, those who had been/are close to Andy because that’s my nature; I have strong social and political beliefs but I choose to support them quietly and definitely not on social media. But, due to my very long history with Andy as both friend and “other,” I feel a responsibility to speak out to those who are still on the fence about Andy’s behaviors.

I have asked Gopal to post this for me. There are a few of you who will read this and immediately know who I am, but I ask that you please not call me out publicly if you feel a need to talk to me about it – message me if you need to. I try to keep my life relatively private on social media, and the content of my message is far from that.

I have known Andy since 1991 when I was 16 and he was 17. That’s 26 years, so I might now hold the record for voicing the earliest accounts of his serial behavior.

The first night I met Andy in October 1991, he wooed me into a stupor and I was convinced I was in love. He convinced me of the same. Weeks later, after several dates, he invited me over to his house, along with my best friend and Andy’s friend who were going out, to watch a movie. When we got there, there was another girl there, with Andy. I was in shock, and had no clue what was happening. I sat on his cold bedroom floor (the same one he still currently lives in, mind you), suffocating in my own humiliation for the duration of the movie while he and that other girl were snuggled under a blanket beside my friend and her boyfriend. I couldn’t leave because I had nowhere to go. I had to wait it out.

We never spoke about what happened because I was insecure enough to think that I had been mistaken about how he felt about me (“maybe we’re just friends and I didn’t realize that?”)

For the next few years, I was either ignored by him completely, or teased (not in a nice way) whenever I was around (we were still in the same circle of friends).

Fast forward 4 years to the summer of 1995. Andy and I reconnected in support of one another following the death of a very dear friend. We chatted off and on for a few months, and then that December, Andy had called me out of the blue to come hang out. I was barely 20 at the time, and still pretty naïve so I jumped at the chance (in hindsight, I had never really gotten over him). We hung out a few times that month and he called me regularly, wooing me over the phone. He claimed he was having feelings for me, couldn’t stop thinking about me, etc. etc., you know the rest.

The problem was – I was leaving for school in less than a month and he was kind of seeing this other girl, too. He had to decide. Seeing as how I wasn’t going to be of much use to him 5 states away, he obviously chose the other girl and he completely dropped all communication with me the moment I left. I’d now had my heart broken twice by this guy. You think I’d have learned my lesson….

The following April, 1996, I returned home from school and find out that Andy is living with his girlfriend – “the chosen one”. My best friend and I moved into the same apartment complex that summer.

Gradually, Andy and I start talking again, and then we start hanging out again. We’d go on day trips to DC, he stayed with me when I went on housesitting jobs, and he brazenly starts coming over to my place late at night and staying until the wee hours of the morning (remember, he lives with his GF one floor away). I’ve once again fallen for his charm as he tells me he never stopped thinking about me, wishes I’d never gone off to school, that he wants us to be together, second verse same as the first.

A friend found out that things had turned physical between us and he confronted Andy about it, Andy denied it, I looked like a liar and he completely stopped talking to me for about 6 months. I was humiliated. Everyone believed him, not me, because that’s what he’s good at. So, third time’s a charm, right? Not for this stupid girl!

1997, I moved into my own place, he and his (same) girlfriend moved into his Mom’s house, coincidentally 1 block away, and it all started again. It was short-lived this time because at the ripe old age of 22, I finally came to my damn senses and realized what he was doing.

As an aside, it was sometime in the early 2000’s that my now-husband and I were visiting family in Seattle at the same time BM was playing there. We decided to go to the show and surprise them. Gopal and Micah were thrilled to see us, but Andy looked like a deer in headlights when we spotted him at a booth surrounded by girls on all sides; he looked like a damn pimp in some sleazy nightclub. He would not even acknowledge us. I could not stop thinking about his GF back home, but I was certain she knew, how could she not?

I was not close enough to her at the time to say anything, but in hindsight, I truly wish I’d been brave enough. 6 years, friends. 6 years of my life were spent pining away for Andy Deane, or feeling like shit about myself because of Andy Deane, trying to be something I wasn’t for Andy Deane, or being angry because of Andy Deane. It took me 6 years to see what he was doing – because he is so good at it – and once I was strong enough to realize I was not the problem, my life opened up for me.

The sad thing is, for the past 20+ years, I have watched him do this over and over and over again, to countless random women and countless long-term girlfriends, and I never said a thing because “that’s just Andy”, and who would believe me anyway? I’m so sorry for staying quiet.

The whole world can tell Andy they love him and want him to get help, but the sad thing is, he won’t. Until he can realize he needs it for himself, he will not. As long as there are girls out there who support him and crawl up his ass to tell him how amazing he is, he will never change. And to all of the girls who claim that “he’s always been so sweet to me, and funny, and kind”, sorry to say this but you will fortunately never see his bad side because you simply aren’t his type. You’re too short, too heavy, not pretty enough, you’re too damn strong or smart for him, or he’s afraid you might overshadow him with your own wonderful personality or talents. He’s being sweet, kind, and funny because that’s how he keeps your support so he can keep making music and traveling the world to find girls that are his type. That’s the sad and ugly truth, but consider yourselves the lucky ones. For those unlucky enough to have fallen under his spell, it’s high time to stop thinking you’re different and special.