2018 (Proposition)

[Sent to an admin to be posted anonymously on March 23, 2019.]

When I met Andy and Gopal in 1999-2000, I was in high school. I adored their music and probably saw BM ten times before I was 18. While I admired them, I was much too shy to make real conversation.

About a year ago, I felt nostalgic and began following their careers again. I did not date Andy, but he did pursue me online for a brief time. No relationship materialized, but when I read Gopal’s post and noticed a striking similarity between myself and the women described as his “type,” I felt uncomfortable. I’m including my story for the sake of sharing information with the women who may have been involved with him last spring/summer.

Last year, when I saw that he was posting new music via Facebook live, I was excited to listen. A friend and I listened together and began interacting with him during these live posts. At the time, I was impressed that he seemed to pay equal attention to his fans, not just the cute girls. It was disarming and I felt very special when our conversation became personal.

After a short time, he said he wanted to buy me dinner. He indicated he was willing to travel or meet me in another state. He said he didn’t drink but indicated he didn’t mind if I did. Having spent most of my adult life in recovery, I found it strange that a sober guy would feel comfortable dating a drinker. I decided not to pursue him with flattery and flirtation. Our communication fizzled shortly after.

As an adult, I lost weight, got over my shyness and embraced a career in business. It felt nice that such a good-looking man was interested in me. Thankfully, that giddy feeling dissipated quickly. The teenage fan girl in me recognized him for more than his rock star image.

My heart goes out to anyone he might have harmed. I’m sure you will heal in time.

1997 (Cheating)

On Dec. 20, 2018, I shared Gopal’s original post on Facebook, with the following statement:

Time to add my voice. For those who don’t know, I’m a darkwave DJ and concert promoter who has made Andy Deane’s music a central part of my brand for two decades. I have booked or promoted him in concert 10 times in two different states between 1998 and 2017, from Bella Morte’s earliest out-of-state shows to a concert by The Rain Within last year. His songs have been among my most frequently played, and anyone who knows me has likely heard how highly I have praised his most recent work.

So it was with great difficulty that I came to the decision to stop supporting him. I wasn’t sure I would feel that way, even as I started discussing all this with Gopal a month ago. After all, art is art, and personal lives are personal, right? But then the details began to pile up. So many stories. So many specific, cruel details (many omitted here) that could not be ignored. And some familiar details that have helped me begin to recognize the ways in which Andy has manipulated me, too.

What it ultimately comes down to is this: I no longer feel good when I think about Andy’s music. I no longer relate to wistful songs about lost love now that I know they were written by someone who has willfully thrown love away with both hands and stomped on it with both feet at every turn.

So there it is. No more Patreon support. No more DJ spins. No more concert bookings. I don’t fault others if they continue to support him and just blow this off as personal drama. But I’ve come to the conclusion that I cannot.

*****

It is now Feb. 12, 2019. In the nearly two months since Gopal made his original post, I’ve had several personal conversations with other women who have been affected by Andy’s actions. I would now like to share a little of my own story.

Andy cheated on his live-in girlfriend with me in 1997. He was not upfront with me about the nature of their relationship.

On the first night Andy and I spent together, we were both 23. It was December and it was raining. We stayed up most of the night, until Gopal came to collect him in the morning to drive him back to Virginia. That evening, Andy emailed me the lyrics to “Relics” and said that he’d written them on the way home.

While Andy had mentioned that he had a girlfriend, he claimed they were “in the process of breaking up,” and he did not mention that they were living together. I only found out by making a surprise trip to Virginia for a show. He still said that their relationship was ending.

On the second night I spent with Andy, about two months later, he told me he loved me. I was not able to say that I returned the feeling. We parted as friends, but I continued to feel an emotional bond to him and his music, and went on to give support to him in my roles as a concert promoter and DJ.

A month ago, after the extent of Andy’s behavior started to become known, I saw a comment from Andy’s 1997 girlfriend and I messaged her to apologize for not being more aware and for contributing to her hurt. She responded that she didn’t know who I was, because in the three years she’d spent with Andy, he’d cheated on her many, many times with many different people.

I have three main thoughts right now:
1) How could he treat his partner like that?
2) OK, so I wasn’t even a little bit special.
3) How many women have I helped give him access to hurt by supporting his career?

I am wishing I could retroactively take back my support. And I am thinking twice about supporting those who still support him. Who say it was the women’s choice. Who blame them for trusting him instead of blaming him for being deceptive.

2015 (Underage Girls)

[Posted both here and on Facebook on Feb. 11, 2019, by the author.]

I’ve debated coming forward with this for years, mostly because I care about all of the women involved, even the ones I don’t know. I care because I believe in women, and because we were all harmed by the sociopathic actions of the same person. I don’t want to bring another second of fear or pain to a single one of them.

I’m writing this because I’m tired of hearing “why aren’t the women coming forward?” Here I am. I was in a serious relationship with him for over three years.

I’m writing this here for all of you to see and not on my page because even years later some days it is still hard for me to reclaim what is mine and let go of what isn’t. After experiencing that kind of depravity first-hand, I sometimes felt like I was irreparably broken and could never see the world the same way again. Never have faith in humans again. Never believe my own reality again. My world is bigger and brighter than ever now, and in the last few months I’ve felt the tiniest glimpse of hope return in me. I am grateful to the ones who have come forward and shared their stories so far. I write this in solidarity with them.

A few weeks after our separation, he broke into my home and stole the entirety of my music business, as well as the computer itself and other studio gear. It was only after taking legal action against him, and a year and half later, that I was able to get the files back. I now understand that the computer contained something much more important for him to hide. I’m going to use false names to protect the women who are involved.

He was on tour. I was working on music on our shared studio computer. I’d looked up a song title in the finder, Li for “Limb From Limb” when “Lily.jpg” popped up. I had a close friend named Lily. I wondered why a picture of her would possibly be on that computer. I opened it up and felt so confused to see a picture of one of my best friends in a bikini, a photo she’d asked me to take of her at the beach months ago.

When I pressed the “Show in enclosing folder” button, my stomach dropped to see, “Abby.jpg, Amanda.jpg, Amy.jpg, Anna.jpg,” and down the entire alphabet. Over 300 photos. Women, catalogued and categorized. Like dolls on a shelf. Besides just the ones he’d creepily ripped from social media, there were many photos of naked women that he had presumably taken during sex. There were photos of girls who I now know were underage. There were many photos of women in our town, some of whom I knew personally. More than a dozen girls across the country who’d he stayed with on tour, making sure to tell me without my asking that they were his “buddies.” I remember throwing up, and afterwards lying on the bathroom floor shaking.

I couldn’t talk to him on tour. I needed to be face to face. For the next few days, I was a complete wreck, not able to sleep or eat, literally trembling in fear and confusion and nausea. That I’d chosen to share my life with someone who was so deeply, deeply disturbed. That maybe I’d somehow never be able to get out of it. And, who had he slept with while we were together? Was I safe? Were they? I couldn’t talk to anyone. Who could I possibly talk to? My mom? One of my best friends, whose picture was in the folder? I knew that telling her would only make her feel as unsafe and sickened as I did. I felt utterly silenced.

When he got home, I said that I needed to talk to him and we sat down in the living room. I told him I’d found his folder, and that I was terrified.

He wouldn’t look at me. I waited, and waited. I wanted to hear, “I am so, so sorry.” I wanted to hear, “I can’t imagine how this must feel for you right now.” Even, “I’m a sex addict, I have a problem and I need help.”

His words were “You CAN’T tell anyone.”

Sit with that for a moment. It’s all I need to say.

So there it is. Share it if you want without my name attached. It’s not mine to hold anymore.

2018 (Unsafe Sex)

[Originally sent to Andy Deane on Jan. 17, 2019 as well as posted in a comment on Gopal’s public Facebook post. Posted here by the author.]

1. K.C.1
2. A.L.
3. O.D.
4. N.A.
5. S.S.1
6. S.S.2
7. A.P.
8. K.L.
9. L.P.
10. K.C. 2
11. S.S.3
12. K.W.
13. A.W.
14. A.F.

Here are the initials of the women affected not including myself that I’ve spoken to thus far. And although there are so many more, I only included those who spoke up about their time with you publicly or to me directly. Stories ranging from 20 years ago to present day, from ages 16-30’s, all over the U.S. and internationally.

The things they’ve told me, the things you’ve done to them, were monstrous.

Andy, you were not only selfish and careless with people’s hearts and feelings, you were reckless with their sexual health status, finances, and mental stability. Lying, emotionally abusing them, ghosting, borrowing thousands of dollars from them, controlling them, cheating, so much more…

I told you countless times, all I wanted was honesty. The whole picture.

I’ve finally gotten that from them. And to hear my fucked up story from my time with you come out of their mouths as their own was sickening and heartbreaking.

The reason I say this here, is because I was frozen after Andy’s Army starting reporting people’s posts and stories, silencing them, and getting people blocked so they couldn’t speak. And the things they said about me personally were absolutely horrendous lies.

But reading your statement I wanted to to write you. Because you haven’t made a single attempt to contact me. And we both know why. All the time spent, texts, and conversations we had about the these very things, months and months before this came out publicly, me asking then telling you to do something because you were hurting women I cared about, friends we shared, and you were killing me. When Gopal and I asked you to get tested and offered to help you get actual help before you went on tour, all added up to this not being news to you.

There was a time when I believed in “He doesn’t know what he’s doing” and “That’s Andy”. But throughout our time together I never, ever hesitated on telling you when I saw you hurt someone or screw someone over, and you continued to. Addiction Deane, straight up. You are an addict and look at what you’ve lost in the wake.

I had hoped that after I told Gopal about us back in October that I could stay your friend. He had given us both a lot of compassion and kindness after the initial wave of freakout and “What the fuck!” that hit him. But after you admitted to lying about protecting my health, and after one of your women contacted me telling me how much they had admired my art and I broke down, told her everything you had been lying to her about (after I begged you to do it yourself for weeks before), I started to see that fade.

And after talking to the above mentioned women I just don’t see that happening.

Do you know how I felt at that clinic? Having to be tested because the person I had trusted the most disregarded me so much he couldn’t tell me he was sleeping with multiple partners unprotected and had been for some time? Lied to me like that? Threw me away? I cried on your shoulders after my marriage fell apart… I confided in you long before then as a friend.

I gave you honesty. I listened, checked in on you, held you, helped you with both Bella and Rain whenever you needed it. From running merch, to listening to new tracks, giving you ibuprofen when you hurt yourself on stage, rubbing your feet during radio interviews or your back when it was out, discussing career move tactics. Hell helping shoot that album cover that is literally your profile picture this very second! I promoted you, was there for your tears and laughs. God what a kick to the teeth.

But to then hear you went on tour and slept with someone (at least one person I spoke to directly) unprotected while still having not been tested, that was infuriating. How dare you disrespect her like that.

I hope to forgive you, for my own peace of mind. Maybe once I stop getting emails from women needing someone to talk to about the abuse they suffered at your hands and once you’ve actually changed those behaviors.

But I, like many of them, gave you my all. I tried so goddamn hard to help you, see you flourish, bring some joy into your life. I certainly had my own failings I’ll be the first to admit that, but I promised to sit with you in the darkness, hold your hand and not abandon you. I forgave you over and over, lie after lie. And you destroyed me over, and over, and over, until I hobbled away from you for the last time to save my own life.

I’m glad, but incredibly skeptical to hear you’re getting treatment. I wish my pain, and the endless pain of the people you affected trying to fill the void would’ve been enough. But I hope that while you’re getting treatment, you also think about how to take responsibility for the magnitude of your damage, and the scars and trauma you’ve left on those women and me.

The friends and support they lost from people defending you who wrote the women off as “Crazy” “Obsessed” “Playing Victim” and “Liars” is everyone too many.

If you’re going to admit and atone for your sins then do it for all of the pain you caused, not just some.

“I talked to her.” “She and I are fine.” “She knows we aren’t going to be anything.” “I care the world for you.” “I love you a lot.” “Rest Well.” “Hugs”. ”

💜

1991-1997 (Cheating/Using)

[Sent anonymously to Gopal for him to post in Dec. 2018.]

I was very much hoping to stay silently supportive of Gopal and all of my other friends, those who had been/are close to Andy because that’s my nature; I have strong social and political beliefs but I choose to support them quietly and definitely not on social media. But, due to my very long history with Andy as both friend and “other,” I feel a responsibility to speak out to those who are still on the fence about Andy’s behaviors.

I have asked Gopal to post this for me. There are a few of you who will read this and immediately know who I am, but I ask that you please not call me out publicly if you feel a need to talk to me about it – message me if you need to. I try to keep my life relatively private on social media, and the content of my message is far from that.

I have known Andy since 1991 when I was 16 and he was 17. That’s 26 years, so I might now hold the record for voicing the earliest accounts of his serial behavior.

The first night I met Andy in October 1991, he wooed me into a stupor and I was convinced I was in love. He convinced me of the same. Weeks later, after several dates, he invited me over to his house, along with my best friend and Andy’s friend who were going out, to watch a movie. When we got there, there was another girl there, with Andy. I was in shock, and had no clue what was happening. I sat on his cold bedroom floor (the same one he still currently lives in, mind you), suffocating in my own humiliation for the duration of the movie while he and that other girl were snuggled under a blanket beside my friend and her boyfriend. I couldn’t leave because I had nowhere to go. I had to wait it out.

We never spoke about what happened because I was insecure enough to think that I had been mistaken about how he felt about me (“maybe we’re just friends and I didn’t realize that?”)

For the next few years, I was either ignored by him completely, or teased (not in a nice way) whenever I was around (we were still in the same circle of friends).

Fast forward 4 years to the summer of 1995. Andy and I reconnected in support of one another following the death of a very dear friend. We chatted off and on for a few months, and then that December, Andy had called me out of the blue to come hang out. I was barely 20 at the time, and still pretty naïve so I jumped at the chance (in hindsight, I had never really gotten over him). We hung out a few times that month and he called me regularly, wooing me over the phone. He claimed he was having feelings for me, couldn’t stop thinking about me, etc. etc., you know the rest.

The problem was – I was leaving for school in less than a month and he was kind of seeing this other girl, too. He had to decide. Seeing as how I wasn’t going to be of much use to him 5 states away, he obviously chose the other girl and he completely dropped all communication with me the moment I left. I’d now had my heart broken twice by this guy. You think I’d have learned my lesson….

The following April, 1996, I returned home from school and find out that Andy is living with his girlfriend – “the chosen one”. My best friend and I moved into the same apartment complex that summer.

Gradually, Andy and I start talking again, and then we start hanging out again. We’d go on day trips to DC, he stayed with me when I went on housesitting jobs, and he brazenly starts coming over to my place late at night and staying until the wee hours of the morning (remember, he lives with his GF one floor away). I’ve once again fallen for his charm as he tells me he never stopped thinking about me, wishes I’d never gone off to school, that he wants us to be together, second verse same as the first.

A friend found out that things had turned physical between us and he confronted Andy about it, Andy denied it, I looked like a liar and he completely stopped talking to me for about 6 months. I was humiliated. Everyone believed him, not me, because that’s what he’s good at. So, third time’s a charm, right? Not for this stupid girl!

1997, I moved into my own place, he and his (same) girlfriend moved into his Mom’s house, coincidentally 1 block away, and it all started again. It was short-lived this time because at the ripe old age of 22, I finally came to my damn senses and realized what he was doing.

As an aside, it was sometime in the early 2000’s that my now-husband and I were visiting family in Seattle at the same time BM was playing there. We decided to go to the show and surprise them. Gopal and Micah were thrilled to see us, but Andy looked like a deer in headlights when we spotted him at a booth surrounded by girls on all sides; he looked like a damn pimp in some sleazy nightclub. He would not even acknowledge us. I could not stop thinking about his GF back home, but I was certain she knew, how could she not?

I was not close enough to her at the time to say anything, but in hindsight, I truly wish I’d been brave enough. 6 years, friends. 6 years of my life were spent pining away for Andy Deane, or feeling like shit about myself because of Andy Deane, trying to be something I wasn’t for Andy Deane, or being angry because of Andy Deane. It took me 6 years to see what he was doing – because he is so good at it – and once I was strong enough to realize I was not the problem, my life opened up for me.

The sad thing is, for the past 20+ years, I have watched him do this over and over and over again, to countless random women and countless long-term girlfriends, and I never said a thing because “that’s just Andy”, and who would believe me anyway? I’m so sorry for staying quiet.

The whole world can tell Andy they love him and want him to get help, but the sad thing is, he won’t. Until he can realize he needs it for himself, he will not. As long as there are girls out there who support him and crawl up his ass to tell him how amazing he is, he will never change. And to all of the girls who claim that “he’s always been so sweet to me, and funny, and kind”, sorry to say this but you will fortunately never see his bad side because you simply aren’t his type. You’re too short, too heavy, not pretty enough, you’re too damn strong or smart for him, or he’s afraid you might overshadow him with your own wonderful personality or talents. He’s being sweet, kind, and funny because that’s how he keeps your support so he can keep making music and traveling the world to find girls that are his type. That’s the sad and ugly truth, but consider yourselves the lucky ones. For those unlucky enough to have fallen under his spell, it’s high time to stop thinking you’re different and special.