2018 (Proposition)

[Sent to an admin to be posted anonymously on March 23, 2019.]

When I met Andy and Gopal in 1999-2000, I was in high school. I adored their music and probably saw BM ten times before I was 18. While I admired them, I was much too shy to make real conversation.

About a year ago, I felt nostalgic and began following their careers again. I did not date Andy, but he did pursue me online for a brief time. No relationship materialized, but when I read Gopal’s post and noticed a striking similarity between myself and the women described as his “type,” I felt uncomfortable. I’m including my story for the sake of sharing information with the women who may have been involved with him last spring/summer.

Last year, when I saw that he was posting new music via Facebook live, I was excited to listen. A friend and I listened together and began interacting with him during these live posts. At the time, I was impressed that he seemed to pay equal attention to his fans, not just the cute girls. It was disarming and I felt very special when our conversation became personal.

After a short time, he said he wanted to buy me dinner. He indicated he was willing to travel or meet me in another state. He said he didn’t drink but indicated he didn’t mind if I did. Having spent most of my adult life in recovery, I found it strange that a sober guy would feel comfortable dating a drinker. I decided not to pursue him with flattery and flirtation. Our communication fizzled shortly after.

As an adult, I lost weight, got over my shyness and embraced a career in business. It felt nice that such a good-looking man was interested in me. Thankfully, that giddy feeling dissipated quickly. The teenage fan girl in me recognized him for more than his rock star image.

My heart goes out to anyone he might have harmed. I’m sure you will heal in time.

Admission of Infidelity

[Sent through bellaverita.me on March 5, 2019]

Bella Morte shot a music video in my house. This video was shot while Andy was in a live-in relationship with the person known here as Verity.

The day before the video shoot, Andy came over to help move things around get the space ready for the video shoot. He and I were the only people present. To be honest, I can’t remember how it came up, but we spoke of his relationship with his former girlfriend of 11 years, and he admitted to cheating on her many times over the course of their relationship. I didn’t cut him any slack. “You’re not supposed to do that.”

At the time, I felt like he was having a real, human, teachable moment.

The next day was the video shoot, and the actress/model that was hired for the video shoot was probably the youngest person in the house all day. I can’t speak for all in attendance that day, but for me, it was very clear. The writing was on the wall. He was flirting with this young woman all day and well into the night.

In almost no time, Andy had left his live-in girlfriend Verity to begin a relationship with the actress from the video.

That he acknowledged his previous behavior as wrong, but continued that behavior the very next day is something that I have never forgotten.

Friend of Verity

[Sent through bellaverita.me on March 4, 2019]

My friend “Verity” of almost 20 years has posted in the victim statements section telling her story. I write to corroborate as an observer. I remember her telling me about her horrible discovery when it happened. It made me sick for her and for all of the women involved. I know that it deeply injured her and understandably impacted her ability to trust anyone again. She continues to battle the emotional after-effects. But she is very strong and is prevailing. I remember thinking that Andy had us all fooled. In the three years they had dated I had thought at worst that he seemed a bit self-centric and narcissistic, but he seemed like such a nice guy that I never thought anything darker lurked below the surface. That is how he continues to get away with this horrendous behavior. He is an incredible actor and charmer. I have great admiration for my friend and all of those who have come forward to shed light on his behavior. It takes a lot of courage. If we keep this discussion alive, it may save future women.

Gopal’s Response to Andy’s Statement

[Posted publicly on Gopal Metro’s Facebook on Jan. 17, 2019]

First reaction? Sadly, this is just more of the same and I call bullshit.

If he is serious, he will take real action.

Based on his statement and everything that 23 years of closely knowing him brings to bear, I do not believe that he is. Right now, he is just trying to save face with words and is feeding on the kindness of others. All of the “sympathy and support.”

Reading the comments, many people are jumping right in on the “Aww, poor guy” and “good on you!” bandwagons. Very few have any first hand knowledge of the situation, nor do they understand all that happened to get to the point where the only remaining course of action was to publicly shout a warning to anyone who would listen as loudly as possible in an effort to protect any more people from getting hurt.

But they want to “support” someone that they think is “a good guy”. A funny person with a pretty voice who has the kindest eyes and was “always nice” to them. But, they are just feeding the beast. And it WILL lead to more people getting hurt.

No matter what people say, no matter how much hate is sent my way over all of this, the ONLY thing that matters in regard to him is what he actually DOES. Everything else is just a show.

This is something that those he has hurt have learned in painful detail and something that those who think they are intimate with him and are currently supportive of him will learn the hard way soon enough.

You see, we have all heard this shit before.

If people continue to trust him and give him the benefit of the doubt, then women will continue to get hurt. If you want to help him, hold him accountable for his ACTIONS because his words mean nothing.

You can’t be a good human being by saying, “Hey guys, look! See! I’m a good human being now! I’m so sorry I did so many wrong things and hurt so many people. But, for real this time!” Then go out and fuck somebody over. Yet again. No, you have to BE a good human being. Every. Single. Day.

And if you don’t know HOW to be a good human being. You have to put forth serious effort to learn.

The reality of the situation is that it takes five plus years of steady therapy to even think about recovery and healing for someone who has done what he has done. Does he have it in him?

I will believe it when I see it.

In the meantime and informed by 23 years of watching how he treats people, I don’t trust a damned thing he says.

Andy Deane’s Response

[Posted publicly on Facebook on Jan. 16, 2019]

This is all I will be saying publicly to anyone not directly involved. I’m going to keep this as concise as I can because as far as those I’ve hurt are concerned, the only thing I can say that matters is I’m sorry. And I *am* sorry.

I’ve spent the past few weeks away from social media so I could get a handle on my thoughts, my issues, and my plans from this point on.

As for the allegations that my actions have been malicious and intentional, I can only tell you that I know what was in my head and my heart better than anyone looking in from the outside. But intent only matters so much in the wake of action, and will never be something I can prove or expect anyone to believe. I have been selfish and careless with people’s hearts and feelings and the ‘why’s’ don’t change that. I acknowledge this and am able to have those conversations with anyone I hurt.

In the meantime, I’m seeking the help I need to come through this stronger and better.

Gopal’s Follow Up Post

A question that a lot of folks have been asking is why did I post this letter? What is the endgame? I did it for multiple reasons.

First and most importantly, I spoke up to protect the women he was actively targeting and to warn women in his path about his behaviors.

Second, I spoke up to let the women he had hurt know that there were others like them and that there are people who will listen and hear their story.

Third, I spoke up in an effort to hopefully wake him up, so that he can get tested and get the medical and psychological help that he needs.

While there has been a hell of a backlash, this message has worked on all three counts.

Regarding the first point, many women are now aware of his behaviors. They can now decide how they would like to interact with him moving forward.

Regarding the second point, many women have spoken up to tell their stories and over 60 people have stepped up to say that he has negatively impacted their life or the life of a friend due to the behaviors described in my original post.

Regarding the third point, he hasn’t said anything in a public statement yet, but in private he has acknowledged what he has done. In a major move, he is getting tested so that his sexual health status will move from “Unknown, High Risk” to either Positive or Negative. This will not justify the way he has treated the women he targeted or the fact that he lied to them in order to get them to have unprotected sex with him. But, if he comes back Negative, it will put their minds at ease and, if he comes back Positive, they will all be able to assess their own situations and get medical treatment as necessary.

I have also been told that he is now looking into therapy and other support programs. Even though he is now taking steps, some have asked why there was not an in-person group intervention. A big part is that local people knew he was doing at least some of it, but, after seeing how his previous partners have been treated by the scene, they were afraid of speaking up. Another big part is how geographically dispersed the people he has targeted are. One of the major conditions that has allowed him to deceive so many people for so long is that he has been targeting people all across the country and only a very few knew the extent of it. I was one of those people and I finally spoke up. Even I was surprised by how many people I didn’t know that were affected.

Now, many of the people whose lives he has negatively impacted have a voice. And he is finally listening.

Many people have painted me the villain. Yet, most of those people have no idea of our history and do not understand the depth of our past friendship. If he makes amends for what he has done and continues to get the help he needs, I will very likely be the happiest person out of all of you. So, all of this is good, if raw and painful, news.

But there has also been a war going on, where his newer supporters and his estranged family are doing everything they can to force sides to be taken and to shut down both myself and the women who have spoken up.

Honestly, in many ways what they have done has been pretty effective. They managed to get my original post pulled down, my follow up post pulled down, and a story from someone who he used and that I posted on my page pulled down (I got temporarily banned from Facebook for that). Further, (and Facebook’s decision to do this shows a severe flaw in their algorithms) almost all of the women’s individual stories that they posted on their own pages were pulled down. All by reporting us for ‘bullying’. Pretty fucked up, honestly.

But, as a result, we are creating another safer space for these women to tell their stories and where we will post information and educational content on psychological and emotional abuse. It will be online soon. So far, he has remained publicly silent through all of this. I think it is safe to assume that he is waiting for his test results to get back. Any way about it, though, I am patiently waiting for his statement. I encourage everyone else to do the same.

This is not a smear campaign. It is about creating a safe environment for the women affected and for helping him to get the help he needs. As such, there will be no trash talk and no debate on this thread from anyone at all. If someone posts something negative or unconstructive, it will be removed. There are no sides here. Our goal is to help everyone be safe.

1991-1997 (Cheating/Using)

[Sent anonymously to Gopal for him to post in Dec. 2018.]

I was very much hoping to stay silently supportive of Gopal and all of my other friends, those who had been/are close to Andy because that’s my nature; I have strong social and political beliefs but I choose to support them quietly and definitely not on social media. But, due to my very long history with Andy as both friend and “other,” I feel a responsibility to speak out to those who are still on the fence about Andy’s behaviors.

I have asked Gopal to post this for me. There are a few of you who will read this and immediately know who I am, but I ask that you please not call me out publicly if you feel a need to talk to me about it – message me if you need to. I try to keep my life relatively private on social media, and the content of my message is far from that.

I have known Andy since 1991 when I was 16 and he was 17. That’s 26 years, so I might now hold the record for voicing the earliest accounts of his serial behavior.

The first night I met Andy in October 1991, he wooed me into a stupor and I was convinced I was in love. He convinced me of the same. Weeks later, after several dates, he invited me over to his house, along with my best friend and Andy’s friend who were going out, to watch a movie. When we got there, there was another girl there, with Andy. I was in shock, and had no clue what was happening. I sat on his cold bedroom floor (the same one he still currently lives in, mind you), suffocating in my own humiliation for the duration of the movie while he and that other girl were snuggled under a blanket beside my friend and her boyfriend. I couldn’t leave because I had nowhere to go. I had to wait it out.

We never spoke about what happened because I was insecure enough to think that I had been mistaken about how he felt about me (“maybe we’re just friends and I didn’t realize that?”)

For the next few years, I was either ignored by him completely, or teased (not in a nice way) whenever I was around (we were still in the same circle of friends).

Fast forward 4 years to the summer of 1995. Andy and I reconnected in support of one another following the death of a very dear friend. We chatted off and on for a few months, and then that December, Andy had called me out of the blue to come hang out. I was barely 20 at the time, and still pretty naïve so I jumped at the chance (in hindsight, I had never really gotten over him). We hung out a few times that month and he called me regularly, wooing me over the phone. He claimed he was having feelings for me, couldn’t stop thinking about me, etc. etc., you know the rest.

The problem was – I was leaving for school in less than a month and he was kind of seeing this other girl, too. He had to decide. Seeing as how I wasn’t going to be of much use to him 5 states away, he obviously chose the other girl and he completely dropped all communication with me the moment I left. I’d now had my heart broken twice by this guy. You think I’d have learned my lesson….

The following April, 1996, I returned home from school and find out that Andy is living with his girlfriend – “the chosen one”. My best friend and I moved into the same apartment complex that summer.

Gradually, Andy and I start talking again, and then we start hanging out again. We’d go on day trips to DC, he stayed with me when I went on housesitting jobs, and he brazenly starts coming over to my place late at night and staying until the wee hours of the morning (remember, he lives with his GF one floor away). I’ve once again fallen for his charm as he tells me he never stopped thinking about me, wishes I’d never gone off to school, that he wants us to be together, second verse same as the first.

A friend found out that things had turned physical between us and he confronted Andy about it, Andy denied it, I looked like a liar and he completely stopped talking to me for about 6 months. I was humiliated. Everyone believed him, not me, because that’s what he’s good at. So, third time’s a charm, right? Not for this stupid girl!

1997, I moved into my own place, he and his (same) girlfriend moved into his Mom’s house, coincidentally 1 block away, and it all started again. It was short-lived this time because at the ripe old age of 22, I finally came to my damn senses and realized what he was doing.

As an aside, it was sometime in the early 2000’s that my now-husband and I were visiting family in Seattle at the same time BM was playing there. We decided to go to the show and surprise them. Gopal and Micah were thrilled to see us, but Andy looked like a deer in headlights when we spotted him at a booth surrounded by girls on all sides; he looked like a damn pimp in some sleazy nightclub. He would not even acknowledge us. I could not stop thinking about his GF back home, but I was certain she knew, how could she not?

I was not close enough to her at the time to say anything, but in hindsight, I truly wish I’d been brave enough. 6 years, friends. 6 years of my life were spent pining away for Andy Deane, or feeling like shit about myself because of Andy Deane, trying to be something I wasn’t for Andy Deane, or being angry because of Andy Deane. It took me 6 years to see what he was doing – because he is so good at it – and once I was strong enough to realize I was not the problem, my life opened up for me.

The sad thing is, for the past 20+ years, I have watched him do this over and over and over again, to countless random women and countless long-term girlfriends, and I never said a thing because “that’s just Andy”, and who would believe me anyway? I’m so sorry for staying quiet.

The whole world can tell Andy they love him and want him to get help, but the sad thing is, he won’t. Until he can realize he needs it for himself, he will not. As long as there are girls out there who support him and crawl up his ass to tell him how amazing he is, he will never change. And to all of the girls who claim that “he’s always been so sweet to me, and funny, and kind”, sorry to say this but you will fortunately never see his bad side because you simply aren’t his type. You’re too short, too heavy, not pretty enough, you’re too damn strong or smart for him, or he’s afraid you might overshadow him with your own wonderful personality or talents. He’s being sweet, kind, and funny because that’s how he keeps your support so he can keep making music and traveling the world to find girls that are his type. That’s the sad and ugly truth, but consider yourselves the lucky ones. For those unlucky enough to have fallen under his spell, it’s high time to stop thinking you’re different and special.

From a Fellow Musician

[Originally posted to Facebook on Dec. 21, 2018 by musician Damion Champe of Richmond, VA. Reposting here and using his name at his request.]

A lot of people have asked me my feelings on Andy Deane over the last few years. I have always tried to answer honestly and without mincing words.

For the record:

I DO NOT Speak to Andy Deane.
I DO NOT Support Andy Deane.
I DO NOT Perform with Andy Deane.
I DO NOT Support “Belle Morte,” “The Rain Within” or any other project that Andy Deane is involved in.
I am NOT his “Friend” on social media.

Many of my dear friends have fallen prey to this person over the course of time and it’s incredibly painful to find out just how much damage was inflicted, ultimately, to satisfy his ego.

Ultimately, I DO NOT support Sexual Predators / Manipulators or Gas Lighters that bloat themselves fat at the expense of the woman they prey upon.

Everyone has the ability to be or become a better person. It just takes consistency, dedication and some level of moral integrity.

I sincerely hope that Andy retreats for a very long time, works on himself (in a real and honest way and not just saying it to manipulate women into feeling that he is showing them a feigned vulnerability.)
That he will privately work on himself and follow through with the growing pains of having to earn peoples trust again.

I want to believe that he will do all of that, but much like the women that he’s abused and taken advantage of were told when they tried to voice their accounts, I just don’t believe him.

From the Sister of an Ex

[Adapted from a Facebook post she originally made on Dec. 21, 2018. Posting on her behalf and at her request.]

Without going into personal details, my sister and Andy Deane were in a relationship for 11 years. So for 11 years he was part of my family. I cared about Andy a lot and even now I want him to be a good person. But he is not. He does horrible things and he gets away with it because people let him. He is manipulative, emotionally abusive, and continuously misrepresents himself and his intentions. This is not speculation. I have seen this firsthand.

For years I kept quiet out of respect for my sister’s privacy. I wanted to shout from the rooftops what he had done and how he had mistreated her. But my sister had already been hurt, betrayed, and humiliated enough and needed to get through this privately, in her own way. So I kept quiet about the lies and the cheating and also the ways in which he financially manipulated my family. But I cannot keep quiet any more because he has only gotten worse and he is doing things that I believe to be a risk to people’s mental and sexual health.

I heard a friend joke that this is “Trump’s America” and people think they can do whatever they want without consequences. This is not ok. This needs to stop. And people need to be called out and held accountable for their bad behavior.

Now I realize that some people I know here in town go way back and have a history with Andy. He is your friend. And I don’t expect you to stop being friends with him.

But I do hope that people stop supporting him, enabling his behavior, and letting him think it’s ok to act this way without consequences. Stop booking shows with him. Stop playing his music. Stop promoting his band. Stop paying attention to him. Hit him where it hurts. Maybe then he will finally take a good look at who he is and get the help that he so desperately needs.

I should also note that neither myself or my family have anything to gain by my posting this. I’m posting this because I don’t like seeing people get hurt and I believe someone needs to speak up for the victims.

Gopal Metro’s Original Post

[Originally posted publicly on Facebook on Dec. 19, 2018]

Something very painful happened to me recently. Those who have been following me know about some of it.

I have been sitting on it all for a while and I am ashamed to say that it has taken me this long to come to the decision to finally speak up.

I do not take what I am about to say lightly, in fact this is one of the most difficult things I have ever done. However, after the past year (if not the past 23), it has to be said. Please read it until the end. If you doubt anything that I say or have said, ask me about it and I will clarify it for you.

Based on his current actions and everything I know about him from the past 23 years, Andy Deane behaves like a very real predator and emotional and psychological abuser.

He has used his fame, charisma, and psychological manipulation to seduce, use, and emotionally abuse women.

Don’t think I don’t know how this sounds. I do. It makes me sick to my stomach to say it, for many different reasons, but I do.

But, the fact is, he has been doing it for years.  

When we were younger, I gave him a hard time about it, not fully understanding the gravity and impact of his actions. He would lie to the face of the woman he was with, while he slept with the next woman or two he had in line.

Many of these women were dear friends and I saw their pain (pain that many are still trying to live with to this day), but I believed that Andy was my brother, so I had his back, even when I knew what he was doing was wrong.

I genuinely regret this.

It often seemed like he truly cared for the women he was with. But, he has cheated on and, in one way or another, used every single one of them.

Over the past 18 months, his behavior has spun out of control. He has developed abusive pseudo-relationships with at least 10 women that I know of all across the country (maybe 15, depending on whether you count those who saw through him), betraying their trust and using them for sex and to feed his ego.

On top of that, he has had one-night stands with countless more women while on the road or using Tinder in the last year and a half, alone.

Quite damningly, he has actively and intentionally convinced many of these women to have unprotected sex with him. I have very strong reason to believe that he is carrying at least one STD and that he has been exposed to at least two more. Yet he refuses to get checked.

By practicing unsafe sex and by refusing to get checked he has put every single one of these women’s lives at risk.

If you are reading this and if you have had any physical relationship with him at any time, for your own safety please get tested.

Now, I knew about many of the women he was seeing over the past year and half. I asked him about whether or not he was being honest with them. He assured me he was. He assured me that they all knew about the other women.

The thing is, when everything went down recently, I started asking them. Most of them didn’t know. The ones who did justified it by saying they never expected fidelity from him; they were just happy to be with him. They were lost in him.

When you hear this kind of thing, at first you may be tempted to agree with them. You may be tempted to say, “Well, they are all adults. They can make their own decisions.” Shit, I was tempted to, too. I even did, at first. But, if a man rapes a woman, you don’t say, “She was a grown woman, she knew what she was doing.” If a man beats a woman, you don’t say, “They are all adults, they can make their own decisions.” If a man abuses a woman, you don’t say, “It was her fault.”

No. You help her get out of the situation as fast as possible and you help her heal and recover. You also do everything you can to make certain the assailant hurts no one else.

So, I started asking these women about their relationships with him. They were all uncannily similar. He was full on manipulating them, literally using the same script and techniques on each of them, massaging his approach to make it more effective by tailoring the details to the individual, using personal and intimate information that they shared with him in trust.

At least in the beginning, they buy it. Thankfully, more than a few break out of the spell.

But, even those that break away have said that they chose to be with him; that it was their decision to make. But, the thing is, they made that decision based on what he was telling them, what he was doing to them. He is very, very good at what he does and he is decidedly convincing.

When they finally get free of him they blame themselves for getting hurt, saying that it was their fault for believing him. Some even try to maintain friendships with him. It is  known as “trauma bonding.”

So, in this situation, I cannot and do not blame the women in any way.

You may still say, “Haven’t they heard about his reputation?”

But who reliable was there to warn them away? An ex-girlfriend whose reputation he had already tried to destroy? A “jealous rival” he had fucked just last week?

He targets a very particular type of woman. Not all fall under this umbrella, but an uncanny number do. These women are strong, intelligent, kind, altruistic, trusting and empathic. They often appear confident in public, but are working hard on their self-esteem. Many have an uncertain body image. Most have been abused and are doing their best to recover. They are often 10-20 years younger than he is. Most drink alcohol. They are all stunningly beautiful.

He is very specific.

He will only move in if they are vulnerable and in a state or position where they are impressionable and/or easily influenced. He does not drink alcohol, but often targets those who do.  

He feeds on their kindness, their generosity, their empathy, and their beauty. He seduces them with pretty blue eyes, a rockstar reputation, charm, praise, and flattery spoken skillfully and subtly to create the greatest influence on his target.

He cultivates trust, then, once they trust him, he feeds them a bullshit story about his own “deep sadness, sorrow and depression” that makes him appear vulnerable. When they lean into him emotionally, he takes them to bed.

“Okay, so he’s a player. Whatever. Not cool, but not unexpected from a rockstar.”  

It’s what comes next that exhibits sociopathy.

These women are vulnerable and they trust him. He has convinced them that he is honest with them. He re-enforces this by saying, and I quote, “I’m not certain how much I can give you. I’m really working on myself right now. I have a lot of damage and I don’t feel comfortable committing to one relationship. But, I really care about you. If I were to commit to anyone, it would be you. You mean the world to me.”

Seems forthright enough, right? He’s being a good guy by setting the boundaries, right?

They’re fucked up boundaries, but, hey, who am I to judge, right?

Well, the quote above is what he said to one woman. When I asked some of the others, they all said he had repeatedly told them something very similar. That he promised each of them that he would be with them if he had to choose. That they would be the one.

He also told them that he was emotionally dead and that he was suicidal. That every night he thought about killing himself before he went to bed and every morning the first thing he thought about was killing himself. He told whichever woman he was with that she was the only thing that made him feel. That she was the only thing that kept him alive.

Now, remember the type of woman he has targeted. They are extremely empathic and they are vulnerable. They all want to fix, to help, to heal. So, when he says this shit to them, it is like crack. They immediately become addicted. Not only is he wounded, he “loves!” them. He will pick them! And they will save him!

But, at this point, he hasn’t really picked them. In fact, he is showing affection to other women. Well, what went wrong?

Maybe if they were better than the other women?

But how can they be better?

Maybe by becoming more seductive, more alluring, more attractive, more successful?

So, the situation gets worse. Not only are the women addicted, he starts to gaslight them. To make them doubt themselves, to question their own feelings and reality.

In no small part, this is because what he is saying to them does not line up with his actions. He lies to them unabashedly and fully in the open, then almost immediately does the complete opposite of what he just said.

In at least two situations, he told the woman he was with and I quote, “I truly care for you. You mean the world to me.” Then, later the very same day, he fucked another woman he had lined up and he didn’t even try to hide it. Both women he did this to were devastated by it.

He is using gaslighting as a tool to entrap these women. To make them feel shitty about themselves, to make them feel so mentally displaced and alone that he becomes the only one they go to for comfort.

“Am I fucked in the head, or does he really love me? If he loves me, why is he with all of these other women?” “He says I’m beautiful, but then critiques my body.” “He says I mean the world to him, but then he goes out and fucks someone else in the same night that he slept with me.”  “When I told him how I felt about us, how much I cared, why did he always play it down?” “Why does he speak so highly of me, then fuck me, then make me feel like I am worthless?” “I am not good enough. I need to change. I need to make myself better so that he will love me more. So that I will be the one he chooses.”

It is a messy and terrible downward spiral and while they are with him, many of these women became or have become depressed, self-doubting, self-destructive, self-loathing, suicidal. He thrives on it, because it gives him power and control.

He shames and blames them, saying that they can leave at any time, that they are fully responsible for their feelings and that their suffering is their problem, not his.  

He is a collector. He wants all of the pretty dolls up on the shelf to use when he wants and how he wants, without regard to who they are, how they feel, or the cost to others.

He does it purely for his own benefit and he does it without remorse. Seemingly, his only concern is that people adore him and that he can control them.

Many of the women that I talked to, from even as far back as 23 years ago, are still dealing with the psychological damage that he left them with. I’m not talking about your average emotional damage from a breakup, I’m talking about heavy and real damage to a woman’s sense of worth and who she is as a human being.

Most of them have gone on to build families and some (those who got the farthest away from him) have managed to lead happy and healthy lives. But the wounds he left have taken them years to recover from.

So, what brought me to all of this, to finally speak up?

My first wife cheated on me more than once. I figured out a way to handle that. Friends have betrayed me deeply in the past. I figured out how to move through it.

But what I cannot handle is manipulation, abuse, and a threat to the lives of people that I love.

Now, I have known about the fucked up sides of Andy for years. As jocks and rockers do, I swept them under the rug. We were best friends. We were Bella Morte!

But at the end of my time in the band, these shitty behaviors really started to come out in full force.

Lying outright; saying one thing, then immediately doing another; manipulating the people around him; playing all of us against each other; brutally and repeatedly cheating on his girlfriend; etc.

But, even then, we were still friends. At the time, I did not know the extent of what he was doing and we had our own damage going on, but we were still friends. We founded the band together. We went through hell together. So, I had his back. Even though I knew he was wrong, I let it go over and over and over again. “Oh, that’s just Andy.”

Over the past few years, it has gotten so much worse.

Yet I still justified his actions. I still protected and defended him.

I lost friend after friend after friend because of this, until it was pretty much just Andy, my wife Angel and I hanging out together. Almost everyone else was gone.

So, when he ran out of everyone else, he targeted people very dear to me.

At this point in this letter, I had written a long and detailed personal account of what happened to me and to those I love. However, when the people who were involved read it, they responded far more intensely and painfully than I had expected they would.

If I could, I would shout out my story and the story of every single woman he has hurt or betrayed as loudly as I could. But they have asked me not to and, if at all possible, I refuse to hurt them any more than he already has.

You see, even though I can analytically address this situation and even though I can theoretically understand the damage that Andy has caused, I am unable to actually put myself in their shoes.

All they want to do is move on. They do not want to relive what happened with him, they do not want to speak out against him, they do not want to think about him in any way, at all.

As absolutely sad and painful as it is to say, in cases of abuse, “Humiliation, shame, and fear equal silence.”

I cannot claim to understand what they are feeling and what they are going through. But I hope that with time, some will choose to step forward and share their story.

But, right now, I cannot and will not remain quiet about what I do know.

23 years of personal experience.

Staying quiet empowers him and I cannot do that any longer.

I will respect these women’s wishes to keep their names and details out of this letter and the coming discussions, but I will also speak out against Andy for them.

His combination of gaslighting, willful unprotected sex, and the complete disregard for the health and wellbeing of the people he is with is very literally a killer. So many women walk away mentally and emotionally damaged, suicidal, and medically at risk.

Still, you may wish to give him the benefit of the doubt. You may wish to say, “But, he’s such a nice guy! There is no way he is doing this intentionally! He must just not know that he is hurting these women.”

The thing is, he is really not a nice guy, he IS doing it intentionally and he knows exactly how his words and actions affect the women he is with.

But, for the sake of argument, let’s give him the benefit of the doubt. Then let’s look at the fallout from his actions. Whether he knows it or not, what he is doing is still fucked up and wrong and it requires every possible voice to step up and speak against it.

After reading this, he may try to apologize and defend himself on his own.

Anyone who knows him with any true level of intimacy knows that the only time he will ever apologize is after he has already been called out or is under the gun. First, he will lie, then he will do everything he can to convince you that he is genuine. If you (foolishly) believe him, as soon as the situation dies down he will go right back to doing whatever it was that he was doing before, right up until the next time someone calls him out.

Another one of his primary excuses/tactics/scapegoats is to say, “I’m working on myself.” If you pay attention, the only time he ever says this is when he feels the need to deflect attention away from whatever fucked up thing he is currently doing. It is an effort to make you think, “Oh. He is a good guy. He is just struggling like the rest of us. Well, people make mistakes. He’ll do better next time.”

The problem is, he has been saying and doing this for years. It is a smokescreen.

People who work on themselves make progress. They change their way of doing things. They strive to be better people. But he has shown very little sign of change or growth. His morality and life choices have fluctuated up and down over the years, but the only net change I have seen is that he has actually continued to refine his predatory techniques and has gotten even more abusive. Basically, he says he is working on himself, but he has just gotten worse with time.

Over the past year and half, I have had to really look at him, I have had to look at the kind of person he has become. The kind of person he may have always been.  

I have realized that ALL of the good I saw in our friendship actually came from a relatively short period of time, maybe three years. Echoes of that period were embedded in our friendship and I always believed that that good was the core of who we were. It was a day-to-day hang-out kind of good. But, when I stepped back and looked at the big picture, the vast majority of our time as friends was him doing fucked up shit, using people without remorse, abusing those who were closest to him and me justifying it and trying to pick up the pieces.

But I can no longer justify his actions or the continued damage he does to the people he takes advantage of, to the women who face suicidal thoughts every day because of him, to the lives that are wounded and damaged by his abuse. I cannot look away and say, “That’s just Andy.”

Again, I am ashamed that I haven’t had the strength or clarity to stand up for all of the people that he has hurt before now. If there are sides in life, up until this point I have very clearly been on the wrong one.

But he has put the lives of those I love and every single one of the women he has ever abused in jeopardy. He is a predator and he needs to stop. If I can help make that happen in any way, I will.

So, on November 3, 2018 my love for him and belief in our friendship finally broke. I walked away from him and I haven’t spoken to him since.

Today, I have finally spoken up.

Ultimately, he is a very small creature in a very big world, but that is no excuse for him to hurt even one of you.

 

P.S.

In this letter, I mentioned sociopathy. I did not do so lightly.

ORIGINAL: Schizophrenia and mental illness run in his family. His actions are in alignment with this.
UPDATE: Mental illness runs in his family and his actions are in alignment with this. (NOTE: I have learned that schizophrenia is unrelated to NPD, however, he is still at risk of both.)

The only chance I can see of Andy becoming anything more than a predator is for him to go and get the serious, professional long-term psychological and medical help he needs.

However, even though he has known for years that he needs a psychological evaluation and even though he knows he still needs medication, to date he has refused to do what is necessary.

Maybe one day he will. But even if he stopped preying on woman today, it will still take years for many of these women to recover from the damage he has done.